i never thought i could miss my friends and family so much. dont get me wrong i love my husband and i am glad i moved here with him but there are just so many things i miss about home. i miss just chillin at home with a couple girlfriends with a drink n some snacks, i miss riding around in corines truck or my car listening to loud music and singing along with it. i miss our big bonfires and my neighbor. me n my neighbor used to always chill afterwork with a couple drinks n just talk bout our day laugh bout stupid stuff and complain bout whatever there was to complain bout. we used to have parties between hers n my place. i miss being able to do what i want when i want n not feel bad or guilty bout it. like sleeping in until 3, or flirting with the guy in walmart or wanting to drink n hangout with my friends all night. i love ty so much with all my heart but sometimes i feel so alone so dull so ugly. i actually had reasons to get out of bed before cuz of work or to hangout with my friends or to go say hi to my grandparents. now my only reason to get out of bed is cuz ill feel bad if ty comes home from a long day at work n im not even up. i have school work i cook n clean but it just gets soooo montenous! im never out of the house unless ty is off work n if we need to go somewhere like to my doc appt or to get groceries. im in alaska n its -30 degree weather so walking anywhere is out of the question. i dont have any friends. well theres this girl heather but were not that close shes going to dinner with "the girls" for her bday but i guess im just not close enough to b invited. man back home i always had friends. i had people to talk to to hang out with n to drink with now....well all i have is ty. which isnt bad i mean i married him for me n him not for me him n other people i knew i would hafta make some sacrifices n im ok with that. i guess i just needed to complain. ill figure out a way to have more fun.

not being able to sleep more than a couple hours at a time has always been an issue in my life ever since i can remember. i didnt start trying to take pills for it until bout a year ago tho and i tell u what, i was better off not even bothering with the pills. the first kind my doc perscribed to me was also a major antidepressant pill and made me sick so she had me take another pill with it which totally made no sence to me. then when i moved to alaska n got a different doc i asked to b put on a different kind of pill. she asked why i was put on the sleeping pills in the first place......im like cuz i cant sleep.....duh. but then she was all like no i mean like do you have a disorder? n im like oh ya im an insomniac my old doc diagnosed me with it like 2 years ago but i just started accepting pills. n she said most insomniacs r that way because of something that happened in your past like abuse or rape or something dramatic n im like well my mom was a major druggie n got put in prison while i was in jr high n ya life was tough living with her b4 she got put away. so the doctor then asked what are ur sleeping patterns like? n im like if i dont take a sleeping pill i normally get bout 2-3 hours of sleep a night n most of the time im only half asleep but sometimes i actually sleep n when that happens im either dead to the world or have bad nightmares.

so.........the doc perscribed me a different kind of pill and guess what??? it was a schitzophrenia pill....im like why? n she said its to keep the nightmares away and help me sleep....im like ok ill give it a shot. soooo the first night i tried the pill n it helped me fall asleep but i ended up waking up a couple hours later, so the next night i tried taking two pills hoping for better results.

i didnt get them.

instead i was wide awake and hallucinating, like im not even kidding i was sooooo terrified! i was sitting up in bed n i saw a huge face in the wall across from me, it wasnt a regular face it was like a mardi gras face n it wat just staring at me plus u know how sometimes ur eyes will play tricks on you n in u stare at a shadow long enough it seems like its moving? well picture that times like ten. the shadows were literally jumping all over the room. i was so freaked out! my husband woke up n saw me sitting there just staring at the wall he said i was shaking n tears were coming from my eyes n i was on the verge of hyperventalation, he said he had tried saying my name a few times but it was like i couldnt hear him. he touched my arm to try to get my attention n it scared me so bad i screamed bloody murder!!!

needless to say i went back to the doc n told her that the pills just werent working for me. i was upset. im like ok can i just get a regular sleeping pill??? im not depressed n im sure as hell not a schitzophrenic, the doc gave me a diff kind of pill n i really dont have any issues with this one i mean its not great but at least im not sick or seeing things. but the doc did say i should see a psychiatrist n im like ok i can handle that sooo were gonna c how that goes after i find one!